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Item:
"Tie A Yellow Ribbon" '45.
Rarity: Only 7 known to still exist.
Estimated Value: $34.00
Market: Morbidly curious Tongue Depressor fans
and the criminally insane.
Description: Short In The Saddle's only known
recording. Contains the not surprising choice of "B"
side track--a BS&T cover--"Spinning Wheel." While
it is known that 500 copies were actually printed (from out-of-pocket
band contributions), 492 copies were destroyed by a makeshift
posse composed of waitresses and truck drivers. The 493rd copy
was reputedly fed to longtime band associate, Steve Eldritch.
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Item:
"Too Hip To Hop" CD.
Rarity: Relatively common.
Estimated Value: $28.00.
Market: Tongue Depressor enthusiasts and people
who enjoy seeing blue-eyed rap gets what it deserves.
Description: One time pressing of 8,000 copies
for Flip 'Em The Bird productions. A limited number have been
signed by Chilly Willy. This was likewise true for many hotel
room service bills. One in every 500 have greasy take-out fingerprints
on them. This latter fact does not necessarily increase market
value.
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Item:
"All For Nothing" CD.
Rarity: Extremely common.
Estimated Value: $15.95.
Market: Tongue Depressor enthusiasts, mimes,
and ventriloquists.
Description: The famed source of the Penguini
Linguini controversy, the album is still treated as something
tainted. Some collectors claim that if the album is played backwards,
Mil and Mop can be heard screaming out "gnignis su yllear
s'tI" in despair. Libyan copies include the bonus track "A
Beautiful Jihad."
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Item:
Gibson Custom Cherry Red Double-Bell Tuba
Rarity: Only one ever made (Do not confuse
with cheap imitation Taiwanese cherry red double kazoos).
Estimated Value: $18,000.00 ($16,000.00 with
used penguin saliva).
Market: Discriminating Tongue Depressor Collectors.
Description: After the recording finished on
Tongue Depressor's self titled full LP,
Lead tuba player Mopys realized that a regular tuba would not
allow him to properly recreate the delicately layered brass
laid down in the studio. Ignoring band-mates' suggestions that
they get a pick-up penguin for secondary live work, Mopys contacted
the Gibson Guitar Co. and asked them to make the custom behemoth
he envisioned. After they had explained to him that they didn't
actually make tubas, he reputedly threatened them with a herring
until they complied. The rest is stage history.
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Item:
"Mopys Cryptdust" CD.
Rarity: Extremely common.
Estimated Value: $15.95.
Market: Tongue Depressor enthusiasts, Glam Rockers,
and David Bowie's Attorneys.
Description: The glam-rock experimental phase
of Tonge Depressor's evolution. Some say this was the band's finest
hour. Nobody can prove this was ever said, however.
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Item:
Video of live Mopys Cryptdust and the Nightgaunts from Oz performance.
Rarity: Only two ever made. One for each live
show.
Estimated Value: $150.00.
Market: Tongue Depressor music historians, and
sado-masochists.
Description: The tour lasted almost exactly four
days. The videotape showcases the best moments from the tour.
All three of them.
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Item:
Tongue Depressor Poster.
Rarity: Extremely common.
Estimated Value: $5.95.
Market: Tongue Depressor enthusiasts, college
students with dorm walls to cover, painters who need floor tarps.
Description: Promotional poster sent to record
stores to promote the upcoming Tongue Depressor music release.
After an embarrassed band manager realized that records went out
just after the 8-track, another flurry of the posters were sent
to CD stores.
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Item:
Promotional tongue depressors.
Rarity: Relatively common.
Estimated Value: $2.50 ($350.00*)
Market: Tongue Depressor fans and collectors
who have every other kind of tongue depressor.
Description: These were distributed en masse
at concerts, 7-11 openings, and band sponsored human sacrifices.
*If Mopys has chewed on them (as he was wont to do during tuba-less
sections of Tongue Depressor's pieces) then the price escalates
accordingly.
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Item:
"Tongue Depressor Live" Tickets.
Rarity: You can still find them in packs of 100
in trashcans along the Haight-Ashbury District.
Estimated Value: $???.
Market: Tongue Depressor loyalists and people
who collect perforated bits of cardboard.
Description: The tickets for their famed run
at the Gothodrome in San Francisco. Many argue that Andrew Eldritch
began claiming many concerts were "too goth" after seeing
part of their show while attempting to borrow Milquebone's drum
machine.
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Item:
Promotional Photo.
Rarity: Extremely rare.
Estimated Value: $Unknown.
Market: Tongue Depressor enthusiasts, conspiracy
theorists, people who work for technology companies, and insomniacs.
Description: This photo was originally rumored
to be a break from the band's studio time during the early days.
It has since been confirmed that the band had never entered a
studio before last Tuesday. It has also been verified that the
band never tuned up their instruments prior to 1998.
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